Random thoughts over the past couple days.

• Why is it that I feel too damn perceptive?
• Am I too much of a Realist?
• Is It too Much to ask to want someone to Relate to?

I enjoy solving puzzles and working with technology and computers, but it doesn't feel possible to obtain in today's Economy + Society. Having Asperger's and being able to excel in anything seems a waste when I don't reasonably think I can apply it anywhere.

Maybe I need a challenge or a challenger - someone like a soul-mate (see good will hunting)

Someone to be able to talk to, and to challenge, and to be challenged.

Someone with a brain and with the same moral compass/ideals. They don't need to have a high I.Q. - I believe there is an intelligence that is like wisdom that cannot be measured by any conventional means. Kind of like a street smarts.

I somewhat feel like Adam in the Garden, wandering around lonely before God created Eve.

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I don't know if this depression is normal, or if its just a standard thought process felt by all humans - but it would be nice to have this/these need(s) filled.

Sometimes I wonder if the effort would be worth it to excel at something (If I haven't already) - to feed an addiction like House MD and turn a profession up to 11 - or if choosing inaction as my action and continue over analyzing my life (welcome to philosophy?) - perhaps just drink myself into not caring - or into nothing.

Yes I have contemplated suicide (thought about it), but what thinker hasn't. By me talking about it, you too have now thought about it. It's not something I like to share - People freak out when it's brought up, or see it as manipulation.

I don't see it as a serious viable option, I see it as a cowards way out in a sense. It's just there at the end of the end of the rope (not the end of the rope). Any clinical treatment for it would probably push me away from my own humanity and closer to depression and closer to it. Probably because I'm an INTJ/Aspie -- I am pretty complacent most of the time and dislike any changes, but I know they are necessary and I do change at times. I feel I take note more often then others with these changes, however.

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I would like a wife - but fear grips me. There is to much fake out there - Too much that's not real.

Finding a woman that is truthful and not crossing that line again - before marriage. I made that mistake once, and I see it as once too many.

It seems like too big of a chance to take - but also being able to find that real woman - not someone playgirl that the world raised - someone a bit more independently minded and not a manipulator! I know there is a very fine line between loving/caring and controlling/manipulative - that's something I don't want to cross either.

I fear that my inabilities to easily perceive simple human body language and behavior as an Aspie might handicap me from finding someone good for me and lead me into another bad friendship/relationship - I don't like being just another worthless sheep/tool. I'm not even sure how a real relationship functions.

I don't like small talk - I prefer deep philosophical discussions.

Sometimes I feel as if I just need to visit a good Godly therapist. But where to find one?

People don't seem to like to think a lot, or maybe they just like to think out loud too much and are more spur of the moment. Sometimes I think that that's my problem, I think too much. But to each his own, right?

Tony Patterson - "More that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and to have a narrow view of what makes a person great excludes and demeans a lot of people. If we were only to judge people on their physical prowess, Einstein would be a poor specimen of a man." - Mar 18, 2011

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• Making mistakes and finding out your wrong is a good thing in it's own way - It helps you learn things (this is part of the human condition) and it brings you closer to truth.
• A lot of people want to be a "useful" tool - Isn't that what it means to be a professional at something? to be able to avail or to be used for some purpose? At least some positions - like a computer tech / network admin / what have you - people want to hone skills to be useful to someone that pays their bills.
• Why do I have to be the wise man?
• Why do people even call me wise? - Do I deserve it? I think too much.... Maybe not enough?

Maybe helping people with little bits of wisdom here and there is what I can do (welcome back to philosophy). I doubt it will every pay well monetarily though. And at the moment it doesn't seem to be THE path I feel I need to be fulfilled, but who knows?

Yay rambling!

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• Do people that are introverts or social when alone listen to talk radio more?
• Do prudes understand that people are sexual creatures by nature?
• Body language in real life vs. television - and televisions influence on it - a vicious cycle/circle?
• Using disabilities as an excuse for other mutually exclusive problems is not acceptable most of the time! kthx

It feels like the world is against me a lot, like they don't like who I am or won't accept me for who I am -  They want to change me to someone or something else. Like making a fish swim or walk on land. Make me more social and less of a thinker, more of this and that but not more of who I am.

I feel that it's probably the main reason why I lack confidence in wanting to learn something to an extreme and become something of a Bill Gates or what have you. I just don't see a point. Sure I do look things up and like to learn but it seems like more and more lately I get discouraged or just don't feel like pushing the envelope of knowledge further. I mean the money would be nice - but other then financial security, why bother if your only going to be accepted by other people just for having cash.

In this economy, I definitely don't feel needed by anyone. Money does talk, and sometimes the silence seems to do most of the talking. ~